Trump Chump
You were the red faced, middle-aged white man driving the outdated, 1990s convertible in Huntington Beach who felt obligated to flip me off and scream obscenities at me because of the Bernie Sanders...
View ArticleThe Plate Says It All
To the guy in the tricked-out white BMW with the license plate that read "EXAMPLE" who, the other night, was trying to drive faster than the flow of traffic, riding up people's asses, weaving in and...
View ArticleWrong Slip
While working a second job parking cars, I was designated to the handicap lot. Of course, everyone with a blue placard was pointing it at me as they approached, making sure they are in the elite status...
View ArticleBad Religion
I was at the store getting rung up. You asked how my family was. I had been at my grandmother's funeral the day before, and you were the first person I told. You offered your condolences, and then...
View ArticleBig Box Blunder
This wasn't the first time I've had to ask a professional to stop the job I asked them to do, but when you took the small unreinforced art print I just wanted to have securely packaged to ship overseas...
View ArticleDarling Neighbor
I'm your new neighbor—nice to meet you. You're cool, but can I ask for a favor? Can you masturbate to a different song? Every morning, I hear your AutoTuned bullshit, and I'm sorry, but it doesn't mask...
View ArticleCome Forward
To the lady in the black BMW who hit my friend with her car and sped off: Family and friends ask that you come forward and give closure to us all. You will have to answer to what you did one day,...
View ArticleBlanket Relief [Hey, You!]
You were the two guys who were so kind and compassionate to me on the days before Christmas. I was outside in the cold, dark, damp night of Dec. 22, 2015, and you pulled up in your white BMW. I didn't...
View ArticleBoerish Behavior [Hey, You!]
You were the South African couple sitting across from me on our flight from John Wayne to Cabo two weeks ago. Sitting in a row with three seats and an open seat in the middle, you told a wonderful...
View ArticleClowns In Brown [Hey, You!]
You're the new driver for the famed delivery service with the shit-colored trucks who dropped the ball (as opposed to the boxes your company so often drops) by not getting a package I specifically had...
View ArticleWhat's Your Emergency? [Hey, You!]
It was raining pretty heavily on Coast Highway not long ago, and you know how the lines between lanes disappear when everything is wet? Everyone knows driving is just a little more dangerous in rain,...
View ArticleNot So Chipper [Hey, You!]
You are the wealthy donors holding your meeting in the conference room right next to my office. Next time, close the fucking door! I don't need to hear you mapping out your big plans for the university...
View ArticleOfficer Frisky [Hey, You!]
You were the officer who detained me in the park on suspicion of being a sex criminal. You did this because I had a copy of the OC Weekly in the passenger seat next to a bottle of sunscreen. You also...
View ArticleThe UPS Boys In Brown Respond [Hey, You!]
Hey, knucklehead, when you have a package sent overnight by UPS, there's a delivery window of 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. Just because you're a lazy piece of work who doesn't open until noon doesn't justify you...
View ArticleA Grifter's Life [Hey, You!]
We became friends in an odd way, but I supported you through a tough time while you were out of work. You said you'd pay me back all of it, as you didn't want to be like your mother, who ripped off her...
View ArticleDharma Bummer [Hey, You!]
You're the owner of a popular yoga studio in Orange County. I saw you take a bunch of art that was hanging on the wall and leave it outside. After finding her work on the ground, the artist came in and...
View ArticleAn Inconvenient Neighbor [Hey, You!]
Hey, neighbor: No one on the block likes you. You never turn on your porch lights at night, you always park in a way that no other car can park in front of your house, and the only time people see you...
View ArticleA Seal Doing Yoga? Now We've Seen Everything! [Hey, You!]
You are the sea lion at the end of the dock doing yoga and pointing your nose up to the zenith, as if you were balancing a giant ball. You held this posture so long I thought you were an apparition....
View ArticleSkin-Deep Soul [Hey, You!]
You were my manager at a skin-care facility in Newport Beach. We had a conversation about why I was unhappy at work, and your immediate response was to ask if I was depressed and tell me that you take...
View ArticleWill Hate for Cash [Hey, You!]
You are the homeless fellows who were holding signs seeking financial help one recent Sunday morning at strategic intersections in Huntington Beach. If I had something other than plastic in my wallet,...
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