Sticky Fingers [Hey, You!]
You were the waiter at the pseudo-ritzy marina-front restaurant. Having just finished brunch, you offered me a refill on my coffee, to which I happily obliged, only to have you wrap your hand around...
View ArticleThree's Company [Hey, You!]
You were my landlord for five years. I won't deny I was very happy living in your house, even when you were giving me a hard time. I only hated the fact I couldn't bring anyone over. Well, I have to...
View ArticleBlind Biker [Hey, You!]
You're the middle-aged jackass on a motorcycle in full leather regalia that was too impatient to drive like a normal person on the narrow streets of UC Irvine, so you decided to pass slower moving cars...
View ArticleToo Big for Villa Park [Hey, You!]
Apparently, I was in the way of your need for speed. You rushed around me, slammmed your car into park at the light, ran around to my window and started screaming at me. "Shit, you're really big," you...
View ArticleDon't Think Twice, It's All Right [Hey, You!]
You are the needy, neurotic, confusing weirdo I had the misfortune of meeting on OkCupid. You told me you didn't want a girlfriend but wasted three months of my time dumping your insignificant problems...
View ArticleBig Brother Is Watching
You are the bazillionaire cable-TV company who emailed a warning early one morning that I had committed copyright theft. Apparently, a "third party" doing "random" IP monitoring discovered I'd...
View ArticleMean Muggers [Hey, You!}
You were in front of me at the checkout line at the Target in La Habra. I bumped into your arm while reaching for a pack of gum, and I quickly apologized. As I moved up to pay the cashier, you subtly...
View ArticleOld Suds [Hey, You!]
You are the bartender who refilled my beer jug for $14. You didn't clean or rinse it as you were supposed to. After I told you that you needed to do so for sanitation reasons, you poured the beer into...
View ArticleSoup Kitchen Nazi [Hey, You!]
You threw me under the bus to the dysfunctional piranhas—one Schizotypal and the other Borderline—as they seem to do the dirty work for you, which you seem hell-bent on distancing yourself from. You...
View ArticlePhone Thief [Hey, You!]
You are the sleazy proprietor with dubious morals in La Habra. After being a faithful and caring customer for more than a year, always offering support and assistance, I promised you on the night that...
View ArticleFive Seconds to the Apocalypse [Hey, You!]
You are the impatient, screaming psycho who spoiled a nice drive with my wife on Pacific Coast Highway in Dana Point. I had the audacity to want to turn onto a side street leading to a local...
View ArticleA Heart-to-Colonoscopy Talk [Hey, You!]
You are the doctor who gave me the results of my colonoscopy right after the procedure, while I was still under twilight anesthesia. So you don't want me to drive, but you can give me your diagnosis...
View ArticleHigh Horse Zen [Hey, You!]
You're the district manager who made my life hell, and I'm here to out you in front of the entire county. Your favoritism is disgusting, and you chose to write me up, and you didn't write someone up...
View ArticleFive Seconds to the Apocalypse [Hey, You!]
You are the impatient, screaming psycho who spoiled a nice drive with my wife on Pacific Coast Highway in Dana Point. I had the audacity to want to turn onto a side street leading to a local...
View ArticleThanks for Nothing [Hey, You!]
You are the manager of the Tustin grocery store who wouldn't donate $100 worth of gravy to our nonprofit, which provides a turkey dinner and other services for those in need. You were even mean and...
View ArticleA Heart-to-Colonoscopy Talk [Hey, You!]
You are the doctor who gave me the results of my colonoscopy right after the procedure, while I was still under twilight anesthesia. So you don't want me to drive, but you can give me your diagnosis...
View ArticleAdios, Amiga [Hey, You!]
You are the former friend I recently reconnected with after not speaking to you for three years. Didn't take me long to find out you are still a self-pitying, negative person who thinks the world...
View ArticleOye, Paisan! [Hey, You!]
Amigo, it's okay for you to speak to me in Spanish. Yeah, you work in a high-end shopping center where half of the customers want you deported and the other half call you Pedro. So rebel, even if just...
View ArticleThanks for Nothing [Hey, You!]
You are the manager of the Tustin grocery store who wouldn't donate $100 worth of gravy to our nonprofit, which provides a turkey dinner and other services for those in need. You were even mean and...
View ArticleFact Checking [Hey, You!]
After reading the Hey, You! titled "Five Seconds to the Apocalypse," I am compelled to respond. There was a very interesting fact left out: Was the turn being made a left or right? This is important to...
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