Mr. Sandman Revisited [Hey, You!]
After reading the Hey, You! titled "Mr. Sandman," I realized the nice lady thanking someone for helping her fill sandbags during the recent rainstorms was talking about me. I just wanted to get the...
View ArticleDon't Think Twice [Hey, You!]
No, seriously: Stop trying to seduce me. We had our thing nearly 15 years ago at this point, yet you still try to get at me: Facebook messages asking if you can give me something, lingering looks...
View ArticleAsleep At the Wheel [Hey, You!]
You were the borracho in the beat-up, old Dodge minivan; 8:30 in the morning is one hell of an odd time to be passed out drunk behind the wheel on Garden Grove Boulevard. I parked your van in the...
View ArticleFeel My Flow [Hey, You!]
You are the Irvine-based mail-order pharmacy my medical insurance practically forces me to use. Thanks to your incompetence, I got to visit with my Aunt Flo just one week after she left. I gave you...
View ArticleBad Nails, Worse Mom [Hey, You!]
You were the Latina mom with tattoos on her hands who brought her child to a pho place after getting her nails done. I first noticed you because you were simply loud. Then your phone kept making tons...
View ArticleKid Dodger [Hey, You!]
You were the shrimpy guy loudly bragging to his co-workers that not only are you never going to get married, but you also actually have a policy of dumping women as soon as they mention kids. You took...
View ArticleEx-Volunteer [Hey, You!]
You are the local contemporary-art museum who charges all the tour guides who work for you on a volunteer basis. We donate about 100 hours of our lives each year attending meetings, doing research on...
View ArticleBaby Face [Hey, You!]
You were the weirdly innocent face staring at me from between some leaves on my fence as my dog barked excitedly at you in my back yard. I couldn't tell what you were at first. I went to get my dog...
View ArticleDolphin Defender [Hey, You!]
You are the young dolphin who made me giddy on a recent Sunday with your spontaneous, high-flying leap from the ocean. My beach buddies and I couldn't believe how airborne you got! There must have been...
View ArticleWake Up, Pull Over [Hey, You!]
We were parked in front of the local elementary school when we heard the siren. Cars moved out of the way as best as they could on the narrow two-lane road, but not you. You kept going forward, as...
View ArticleToo Uncool for School [Hey, You!]
Great robocall system you haveāit's a real drunk dialer. Yes, like everyone else for the past four years, I'm tremendously interested in Varsity Cleat Week and can't wait to find out more about awkward...
View ArticleBaby Face [Hey, You!]
You are the disheveled clerk at our neighborhood grocery store who looks as though you sleep next to the carrots in the warehouse. On one of our trips, you reached into the pile of crud you had swept...
View ArticleDumb Passengers [Hey, You!]
To the people sitting behind me on a recent flight out of John Wayne Airport: What was so funny about the pilot's accent? During his welcome, you snickered as if he's dumb because of his pronunciation...
View ArticleBad Tenant [Hey, You!]
You are the little tweaker slut who took advantage of your aunt's ex-husband when he allegedly gave you permission to stay in his house. The cock-and-bull story you gave him about your renewed...
View ArticleHead Case [Hey, You!]
You are the flight attendant who did not follow your own advice to slowly open the overhead bins because items inside get jostled during flights. How do I know? Because I got conked when you quickly...
View ArticlePhone Faux Pas [Hey, You!]
You are the young woman who walked into our dentist's office and sat down on the couch opposite me to wait for your appointment. I am the older man who was sitting in a big chair, checking messages on...
View ArticleCheck Your Food [Hey, You!]
You were the old guy sitting next to my Latino family at El Torito, presumably with your wife, on Father's Day. We were trying our best to celebrate our dad despite having to hear you loudly discuss...
View ArticleDog's Best Friend [Hey, You!]
You were the heavy-set older guy in the navy cap who always used to walk your lion-sized canine around the block and would give my puppy free treats, so he'd squeal as soon as he saw you coming. For an...
View ArticleHit and Dumb [Hey, You!]
You are the person who rear-ended me on the freeway from a dead stop after our traffic lane had slowed for construction. I'm not sure if your foot slipped or you thought our lane was moving, but you...
View ArticleParking Problems [Hey, You!]
You are the idiot who thought it was somehow okay to park on the corner of an intersection while you ran in to a coffee shop to grab yourself a cup of joe. No, that is not okay. It is also not okay to...
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